David a good friend of mine is a pediatrician who runs an intensive care unit for babies at Colville street uptown Kampala. He is beloved at the hospital, where everybody calls him Dr. D… He is a reserved man but capable of great warmth, humor, and charm. He is also a workaholic who sleeps in the hospital an average of 3 nights a week. He doesn’t know the names of his children’s friends, or even the name of the dog at his house.
The other day while at his house, it started to drizzle, one of us helped with getting his daughter’s clothes off the hang line to her room and when asked where his daughters room was in his spacious apartment, David turned to ask his wife, Lyn. His wife was upset with how little she sees of David and how emotionally unconnected to her he seems to be. She has frequently tried to make little gestures to show him she cared, but her attempts just annoyed him. She is left with the sense that he simply doesn’t value her or their relationship.
Here is an intellectually composed man who doesn’t even know the name of the family dog! Of the many problems their relationship is facing, perhaps the most fundamental is David’s shocking lack of knowledge about his home life. He’s become so caught up in his work that little space was left over in his brain for the basics of his wife’s world.
I have found out that many couples fall into a similar (if less dramatic) habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses, values and principles. The lack of knowledge about the life composition of either party has seen many relationships fail and dissolve on short notice leaving many newbies of the school of love mending broken hearts! Therefore,
Here are six principles to making your love relationship work.
1.Build your Love maps
There is, and will always be more that you don’t know about your partner therefore, it is very important for a couple to develop and understand each other’s love map. It’s quite obvious that many folks are now thinking, “what is a love map” … a love map is a detailed composition of genuine interest in your partner. As a couple, it should be your utmost responsibility to make plenty of mental spacefor your spouse, their personal opinions, preferences, quirks, dreams, fears.
You should be aware of the major events in you partners life history and it should be in your own accord to bring yourself up to beat as your spouse continues to grow and change. Getting to know your partner better and sharing your inner self with them is a lifelong process and the adequacy you attach to knowing each other more results into a better strong connection hence the more profound and rewarding the relationship will be.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples that areintimately familiar with each other’s world (includingintimate details about what the other feels, thinks are better equipped to cope with major life changes, stressfulevents and conflict. They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes.
Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse and if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? In knowledge there is strength …. From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms.
2.Nuture your sense of Admiration and Appreciation.
Falling in love is one thing, practicing the love is another. Many a times relationships especially in their early stages, may feel full of infatuation, sexual attraction, Intimacy and love. When the newness wears off, the whole concept of love of tends to get reshuffled. No one is perfect including you and the person you are dating. Everybody has got their own flaws, however despite the flaws, deep inside you believe that your partner is worthy of honor and utmost respect. At the heart of nearly every relationship lies the belief that one’s Partner is respectable and likable. Sharing fondness and admiration is a friendship skill which serves as the antidote for contempt.
What’s does fondness mean anyway? Fondness is affection, often naive, for another.To share it is to make it more mature. It’s not enough to say “I’m fond of you.” It’s important to share why….“I’m fond of you” includes “I’m proud of you.”, “Iam-attracted to you.”, “I’m impressed by you.”, “I like you.” In addition to proactive fondness, Couples ought to learn how to show admiration to one another. Consistent admiration of the beauty your partner holds and continuously reminding them how well composed they are will keep the spark alive in your relationship. Every single day of your relationship, make it your business to appreciate your spouse for anything, admire the great qualities they hold and the person they are and who they are becoming. I tell you it creates a strong sense of vulnerable intimate connection between the two of you.
3. Confide in each other than turning away.
Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Michael Ealy gather teary-eyed Nia long into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. Turning to each other in the grind of everyday life not only builds a strong sense of connection but also a great deal of emotional and social trust between partners. I prefer to call it growing the romantic composition.
Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail, or text, It grows when your girlfriend tells you one morning, “I had the worst nightmare last night,” and you say, “I’m in a big hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight,” instead of “I don’t have time, am late” In all of these instances boyfriend and girlfriend are making a choice to turn towards each other rather than away.
4. Allow your partner to influence you.
It’s with no shadow of a doubt that to some people, they fall in love first and learn how to get attracted to u laterhowever the irony is some people get attracted to you first and learn how to love you later. Both approaches are valid however the bottom line of making either of them work is how you let the other party have a platform on which they can influence and mentor the person you are into a better brand of a man or woman. The fabric of society today is designed in a way that women will always let their men influence their decision making by taking their feelings and opinions into account however on the contrary, often times men never return the favor and not until a man lets a woman influence their life, men will forever fly on the wings of ego.
It’s a couple’s obligation to respect and honor one another and their opinions and feelings. Involve your partner in decision making, planning, making choices, Idea generation. The better able you are to listen to what your spouse has to say and to consider his/her perspective respectfully, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to come up with a solution or approach to a problem that satisfies you both. If your ears are closed to your spouse’s needs, opinions, and values, compromise just doesn’t have a chance therefore Partners ought to understand that for a relationship to thrive, there is need to share the driver’s seat.
5. Handle solvable problems.
Love is very sensitive and failure to understand this has over time proved the spring of conflict among many young couples in the millennial generation.That stands to reason that when partners respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise. And yet too often couples lose their way when trying to persuade each other or settle disagreements. A conversation that could have been productive instead ends in a screaming match or angry silence. The best approach to solve conflict is to practice empathy, “put yourself in your partner’s shoes “listen to them intently from their perspective and empathetically comment.
It’s important to pay attention to how you initiate a point of concern or discussion, it’s better to be soft at the initiation stage as it contains the other party to maintain their mood and temper. The other factor is compromise. Many a times women tend to validate their actions even when they are not reasonable, it’s how nature designed them, it’s therefore important as a man to compromise and withdraw, let her win, it may save the relationship from the extreme. Lastly handling solvable problems comes with being tolerant to each other’s faults.
6. Create shared meaning
If the relationship you are engaged in aadheres to the first five tips, you can consider your relationship stable, however, if you find yourself in a position where you question “Is that all there is? It should signify to you the absence of shared meaning in your relationship.Relationships are not about having fun, splitting chores,making love and bearing children rather hold a spiritual dimension of creating an inner life together, some culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a pan of the family you have become.
Often times people think of culture in relation to ethnic groups or large groups of people, however two people who have agreed to share their lives together can build their own customs, culture for example, like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a champagne toast after the birth of each baby), and myths–the stories the couple tell themselves (whether true, false, or embellished) that explain their sense of what their relationship is like, what it means to be part of their group. Developing a culture doesn’t mean a couple sees eye to eye on every aspect of their life’s philosophy. Instead there is a meshing. They find a way of honoring each other’s dreams even if they don’t always share them.
The culture that they develop together incorporates both of their dreams. And it is flexible enough to change as the husband and wife grow and develop. When a marriage has this shared sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock. As you stretch the period of thanksgiving about finding the right partner one day beyond a week, and then another day, and then another, it’s a great deal to pay attention to what will last this thanksgiving and those above are one of the basic principles to guide you on how to make your relationship work by practicing love at its peak. ……………….. ………… Let’s talk love @jk the love coach!