Love & Relationships

How to handle a breakup and move on.

Be sure it’s what you want

Before you say goodbye make sure it’s what you want. Breaking up, separation, divorce should be the last option after every step to salvage the relationship/ marriage has been taken. Sometimes you have no choice but to end it because the person you have been loving has become a danger or a source of pain who shows no sign of changing despite your patience and compromise. Sometimes even if a break up is not what you want, a break up is what the other party is forcing you to accept. Sometimes we break because the relationship was not of God.

Remember breaking up is not evil

When we love, we hope it lasts but in case it doesn’t don’t see it as a sin. You gave your all, but love takes two not one. Sometimes a break up is the best thing that can happen to you because it frees you from a bond you couldn’t walk out of by yourself and it saves you from a mess you were setting yourself up for.

Be grateful for the love that has been

Truth is, every love starts off beautifully and every ending love had its good qualities before it became sour. Be grateful for the good your ex-brought you and any lesson learned. In everything give thanks.

Don’t let sexual desire confuse you

In case you used to have sex, stay focused. Some people run back to the ex because the sex was too good. So even if the ties should be cut they run back to their past because they don’t want to be without the sex if the ex was really giving it good. Don’t be confused.

Look back to see your fault

Assess the reasons why the break up occurred and if you had any role to play in the collapse of the love. Was it something you did or said? It is important to know this to make yourself a better person and a better lover in case you find a new lover; lest you repeat the same wrongs and collapse your new love.

Take charge of your emotions

Have no thoughts of suicide, it is not the end of the world. There’s more to your life than what you had with your ex. don’t destroy everything you have and can be just because the one you have been loving is now an ex. Keep calm. Miss your ex once in a while, may be even crying but grow up. Moving on is a choice we make. God has big plans for you.

Study carefully your choices

Perhaps the break up happened because you choose to love the wrong person, you did not choose a Godly person, and you didn’t involve God. And perhaps you keep making the same wrong choices. Look back at every ex you’ve had throughout your life; do you see a trend? Do you notice you fall into the same trap? Fall for people who don’t have the qualities to sustain a relationship/ marriage?

Keep the secrets of your ex

No matter what happened to make your relationship/ marriage end, be civil and mature through the breakup. When you were together there were secrets and confidential matters that your ex shared with you, now that you have separated don’t use what was shared in confidence to mess up your ex. Don’t spill the private matters of your ex to the public. Don’t upload personal stuff of your ex for the public. Whatever happened between you two was private, keep it that way.

Seek no revenge

Do not get back at your ex. don’t waste your time trying to harm your ex saying “If you can’t be with me no one else will”. No childish revenge games, use your energy on more important things, let your ex go in peace. It is not Godly to revenge.

Shield the innocent

If there is anyone directly affected by the breakup, especially if you had a child or children with your ex, shield them from experiencing trauma as a result of the break-up. No matter how much you are hurting don’t take it out on the innocent.

Avoid rebounds

Yes, you will feel lonely but don’t rush into a new love to fill a void. Don’t use an innocent person to be a quick fix for your bleeding heart. Don’t be mad and decide to hurt others just because you’re hurting. Don’t use an innocent person to get back at your ex. don’t go having casual sex thinking that will hurt your ex, your ex doesn’t care. Rebounds only end up hurting and confusing you plus the new person you’re dragging to your mess.

Forgive

Your ex hurt you yet you loved so much; whether you feel your ex wasted your time, introduced you to a harmful lifestyle, messed you up; forgive your ex. Your entire future will be shaped by a heart that has forgiven and is free or a heart that has not forgiven and is a slave to anger and bitterness.

Focus on you

Now that you are single, focus on you. Build yourself, think more critically about your dreams and plans. Love you instead of looking at yourself as a failure just because of your ex. Learn new things about you, treat yourself well. Find you in case you lost yourself while loving your ex.

Revive your social life

Often when we are married/ in a relationship, we tend to spend so much time with our partner at the expense of our family and friendship bonds. Now that you have broken up, activate your social life even more. Surround yourself with family and friends that will not mock your pain but love you and challenge you to grow. Next time you fall in love, don’t concentrate on your lover that you forget your friends and family.

Don’t be desperate

Stay sober, no using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. Face the break up head on. Don’t look for attention: shouting loudly in clubs, wearing skimpy clothes, posting explicit photos of you on Facebook, flirting with anyone who comes by just to prove to yourself you are still attractive. Uphold your dignity.

Don’t rush the healing process

Healing takes time, don’t beat yourself up because you still find it hard. Be patient. Pray to God, lean on God.

Minimize contact with the past

Avoid courting your past yet you’re trying to build a future. Avoid meeting your ex especially in private settings, avoid getting cozy because it makes it easier to relapse back to what you two had. It is easier to go back to something that was no matter how bad it was, than to start a new love all over again. Delete your ex’s phone number if that will help keeping your ex at a distance when the break up is still fresh.

Detox

Clean yourself, remove any baggage or load from your past. Start a fresh, open a new chapter, close what was.

Refer back to your ideal partner list

Go back to the list of qualities you look for in a potential lover, edit it if you must, and put a Godly character at the top of the list. Learn from your past and decide what qualities your next partner must have.

Still believe in love

You are a loving person, just because it didn’t work out with your ex doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist. Never let a wrong relationship destroy the love in you or your belief in love. Don’t harden your heart, love doesn’t hurt people, it is sometimes the wrong choices of the people we choose to love that hurts us.

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Ssentongo Patrick Kibira

Journalism Scholar / Creative Writer / News Reporter / PR Guru / Friendship Couch / Corporate MC / TV & Radio Host / Boy Child Rights Advocate / Expert Speaker / ~ CRAFTING STORIES FOR VIRTUAL REALITY~

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